Open Book

You think she's an open book, but you don't know which page to turn to, do you?

Emotional, Observer, Lyrics, The Works
January 20, 2002 - 12:23 a.m.

WARNING: I am on the rag and very emotional. Therefore, this entry will be slightly whiney, slightly depressing, and then I'll add in some humor somewhere cuz it just wouldn't be an entry written by me without it.

I know I've discussed it before, but I'm an observer. I feel it most tonight for some reason. I feel like I'm always talking to other people, giving them advice, and cheering them up. I know so many details about so many other people's relationships across the country. I feel like my own little advice column, but not quite as special. In a way, it's like people use me because they know I'll try to understand, and they know I'll make them feel better. I don't mind this really. I enjoy helping people as much as I can. I like knowing that people come to me for help. But it's the using part that scares me. What if these people aren't for real? They rarely ask how my day was, and if they do it was just cuz I asked them first and it's the proper thing to do. I'm probably over-reacting. I know people care about me... I'm just overly emotional tonight.

Also, I wonder where my life is going. I spend so much time worrying about other people's lives and talking to other people, that I don't really think about myself much. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life, I just have to get there. I feel like I spend my life waiting for what is to come. I don't think that's a good way to live life. I mean, there are parts of life that I enjoy now... I have fun with my friends, I listen to good music and enjoy myself, but I still feel like the best is yet to come. It's like when I eat an almond rocha. First, I eat the almonds cuz they're on top. I don't like them as much as the toffee in the middle, but you have to eat them to get there, and they're not bad. I wouldn't eat it at all if I couldn't stand them. Usually I just try to eat them quickly so I can get to the good part. For me, the toffee is becoming a teacher, working with kids every day and inspiring them, finding someone I can fall in love with and stay in love with for the rest of my life, raising kids of my own who have the best names in the world (I'm obsessed with names.), and feeling utterly and completely happy and comfortable with my life, what I'm doing, and everyone in my life. That's a lot of toffee. What if I never reach the toffee? What if my life isn't almond rocha, but just a big cluster of crushed almonds. I mean, I don't mind almonds really, but I want the toffee. I wouldn't choose to eat a bunch of almonds all alone, but I'd choose to eat an almond rocha. I guess almonds are better than starving though...

I'm really good at ignoring it, but in all honesty, I am extremely lonely.

I just wanna be happy. I just wanna get the hell out of Newark.

Tonight my mom and I went to Pleasanton and shopped amongst the perfect people. We went to Strizzi's for dinner, and I got rosemary chicken. It was sooooooooo damn good. I brought what I didn't eat home, and I think my mom's car's new car smell was replaced with the rosemary chicken smell. I know the smell has taken over the fridge already. I opened it just to get some water, and my mom (from the entry hall which is two rooms away) was like, "what's that smell? it smells like your dinner." Next time I go to Strizzi's, I'm getting the rosemary chicken again. YUM.

I just wrote an entire paragraph about rosemary chicken. How pathetic.

I'm sorry if any readers thought content in this entry was geared towards them. It's not entirely true. Yes, certain instances contributed to what I wrote, but please don't take my venting personally.

Tonight I feel like typing an entire song because it's been a hell of a long time since I did that in here. This is a song that I love muchly. It's a really good song. It's one of my favorite Saves the Day songs, and Saves the Day is one of my favorite bands. It's been known to bring solace to me when I'm down about the Jeremy situation, but that's not all that I like about it. It has great music, great lyrics, great everything. I love this song.

You Vandal by Saves the Day

Last night I dreamt you called from Costa Rica

Yeah, the place you've been the last two weeks

you said, "I miss you, oh sweet boy,

and will you come on down?"

I woke up to my cold sheets and the smell of New Jersey

When do I get to wake up to you?

Today I can't forget that I've got these open wounds

It's such a drag

I can't forget you've gone

Yeah, my ribs have parted ways

They said, "we're not going to protect