Charlie Broke Up Without Me
April 4, 2003 - 1:32 p.m.

We were both tired, and after a night of missing him and wanting to be with him, I told him my fears. I said I was afraid our relationship was becoming routine for him, that he never makes me feel special or loved anymore, and that he'd stop loving me but not tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me.

He started crying and wouldn't talk for the longest time. I kept asking him what was wrong, but he wouldn't respond. He started to calm down, and I expected him to say he felt guilty for making me think that and he'll never hurt me again, and of course I'm special, and of course he loves me. But he didn't say that.

"I don't think we should be together anymore."

My entire body tensed and I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. He started talking more, but I wasn't really listening. I was trying to fathom what was going on. Trying to wake myself up from this nightmare.

And then the crying started. It was loud and screeching like I haven't cried since I was a little kid having a tantrum. I bet people two doors down could hear me.

We talked for two and a half hours. I understand why he did it. He doesn't want the same things as me, a future together doesn't seem possible to him, his love isn't as strong as mine. By the end of the conversation, we were even joking around and being friendly. As soon as we hung up, though, the crying started again, and I couldn't sleep for another hour. I woke up again at 9:30 and started crying again.. took me an hour to go back to sleep. Then I finally got up at 12:30 cuz Jenny and I have plans today.

I have the hugest bags under my eyes. My sinuses are so clogged my head feels like it weighs 20 pounds. My stomach hurts from the crying, and I'm so light headed I'm afraid standing up for more than a few minutes will make me pass out. I can't stop crying. When I'm awake, I'm crying, which is why I want to sleep, but it takes me forever to get to sleep. I only got five hours of sleep (today was supposed to be when I caught up on sleep, ha), and I know I should feel tired, but all I feel is pain.

I know he hurts too. I know he loves me too. I know the main reason for this is because he's unsure of the future. I just think he's giving up too soon. If we both love each other, and we're both in a great deal of pain when trying not to be together, why shouldn't we be together?

I know I've become too dependent on him, and I know this will be good for me in the long run, but it hurts so much now. He tells me there's someone better out there for me, but he's everything I've ever wanted. I've never been this comfortable with anyone before, and while I know it could happen again, I don't want it to happen again. I want it to be him. It's gonna take me so long to get over him and find someone else, and I hate being single. I hate it so much.

He basically said the only chance we have of getting back together is if by some strange twist of fate we happen to still wanna be together after college. I know by then he'll be with some unworthy stupid chick who doesn't understand him like I do.

I keep tellig people Charlie broke up with me, but the word with implies that it was a joint effort or implies some kind of togetherness. If it was my decision, we would still be together. Charlie broke up without me.

Thank you for helping me through one of the toughest times in my life. Thank you for making me feel like I mattered. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for making the last six months of my life tolerable. Thank you for all the nights spent cuddling, and the goodnight kisses, and the goodbye kisses. If I had known the last one would be our last, I would have made it last longer. Thank you for so many things I can't even put into words. I love you, Charlie Tran, and that's never gonna change.

Ta! ~BOB

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