Day One :::Sigh:::
April 5, 2003 - 2:08 p.m.

It was hell. It helped to get out and be with Jenny. She can always make me laugh. But if I was alone for any period of time I'd start crying again. I cried once at Denny's... twice in the mall. That's not too bad. I was thinking I'd be bawling out my eyes in public and be terribly embarrassed because of it, but that didn't happen. I bought a Something Corporate shirt and a peace symbol pin at Hot Topic. Jenny said buying stuff would make me feel better.. it kinda did, I guess, maybe I'll feel better when I wear the shirt. I dunno. It takes a lot to make me feel better.

We went to Hollywood video and rented some dvd's. We got Jackass and the first disk of the second season of Queer as Folk. Ah, nothing like hot gay guys to get your mind off of your broken heart. Jackass wasn't as good the second time, but I still laughed at the part where they blow a horn when people are golfing. That gets me every time.

I went back to my dorm expecting to go straight to bed, but there were six people in my room watching a movie. It was annoying. Ugh. I didn't get to bed till 2 but that's mainly cuz I was talking to Charlie. I needed some kinda hope to get me to go to sleep without crying. I got him to say that if being apart still isn't working after awhile, then we'll try the relationship again. Luckily, that was enough to get me 11 solid hours of sleep. Unfortunately, once I woke up I thought about it, and now I realize that that's not what I want. He would most likely just be getting back together with me for my benefit, and not because he wants to be with me. I'd do anything to get back together with him again, but I don't wanna be living in a lie like we were for the last month apparently. I feel so betrayed knowing that everything that happened when we were together in the last month was just to make me happy... when he really didn't want it at all. The only way we could get back together and be happy was if he wanted me, and he doesn't, and that hurts more than anything because I had such a low self esteem before I met him, and he brought it back up knowing that someone wanted to be with me. Knowing that that person lied about it for the last month and that I'm not really good enough for him hurts so so much. He said before that we could make it through his time in New York because what we had was good enough and strong enough for him, and now it isn't. I just wanna know where I went wrong, when I became less desirable. If I could do anything to make him love me like he used to, I would.

Showers are hell. They remind me of him, and I'm alone with my thoughts, and I can't get out of there without bawling my eyes out.

I have no appetite. I've eaten hardly anything in the last day, yet I've pooped four times. How the hell does that work? I've felt like throwing up from all the crying a couple times, but didn't most likely because there's hardly anything in there to throw up.

I know that the hope that got me to fall asleep last night is no longer there because I thought it through. I know that my appetite won't be coming back for awhile. With no food and no sleep, how the hell am I gonna function? How long will it be until I wither away to nothing?

I'd like to thank everyone who left a comment yesterday.. it helps a lot to know people care. I don't feel so alone. I still feel alone in my situation because Charlie only hurts out of guilt not because he wants to be with me, but I know I have people supporting me. For some reason when people show their support it makes me cry more though. I think I'm just a big mean crying machine.

I told my mom online, and she called me and started crying. I can't believe this made my mom cry.. and of course hearing my mom cry made me cry... it was just horrible. She asked me if I wanted to come home, but I know I'd be more miserable at home. I don't have anyone to hang out with there.. at least I have people to keep me company here. I'd just mope around the house and cry the day away if I went home.

Here are some lovely Jennyisms that helped make light of the situation:

Jenny: You guys can't break up. You're like two emo peas in a pod. or... uh... two emo... peeps.. in a moshpit

Jenny: One thing you can rely on is the fact that the bathrooms at Mervyn's will always be next to the cards.

Jenny: Another thing you can rely on is the fact that Michael's will always smell good.

(When getting gumballs at Michael's.)
Me: Ew, mine's green. I don't like green. Can I have yours if it's a different color?
Jenny: It looks like it's white.
Me: Peppermint! That's my favorite flavor!
Jenny: You'd cry right now if I didn't give this gumball to you, wouldn't you?
Me: Yes, yes I would.

Ah, Jenny's always good for a laugh. Ta! ~BOB

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