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Wow the Spillage Of course, my plan for this break was to enjoy it with friends and enjoy the alone time and the privacy. But instead I've been bored shitless and reluctant to call any friends I might have just cuz I feel like they don't need someone to hang out with as much as I do. Instead I've had the worst case of cabin fever and the only way I've found to alleviate it has been to compulsively shop. When did I become a compulsive shopper?! When did all the little things that used to bring me enough happiness to make me not even consider depression stop working? Another plan I had for break was to see Charlie as much as possible, but it appears as though the five days I spent with him a couple weeks ago are gonna be it, and I don't know when I'm gonna be able to see him again. Every time I think about that I start crying. Seriously, I got misty eyed just typing it. Last night I realized that him coming to visit is probably not gonna happen, and I couldn't go to sleep till four cuz whenever I tried I'd start thinking about it and start crying again. When did I become such a mess? I think I've cried more in the last six months than I have since I was a baby. It's crazy. I don't get it. I blame the depression on the fact that I don't fit in when it comes to college life. I don't drink and therefore don't have the same interests as other people my age. For some reason, if you don't drink in college you're a member of an extremely small group of people, and finding other individuals in that group is incredibly difficult; especially when you go to a school as small as mine. However, I made plans to hang out with my friend Laura this weekend, and I can't bring myself to call her for some unknown reason. I actually have an opportunity to hang out with friends, which is what I claim to need most, but I'm too lazy to take it. I don't understand what's holding me back. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I thought I had gotten to the root of my problem, but I guess not. I have a feeling my lack of entries and the fact that my entries are dull and depressing lately has made my readers lose confidence in me. I don't get nearly as much response as I used to. Don't worry, I'm not blaming the readers, I'm blaming myself. I need to get my act together. I need this diary to reflect the same person it used to reflect, but first I hafta become that person again. And I don't even know where to start. I really wish that the next four years would just fly by so I can start teaching and decorating cubby holes with glitter glue and stickers, and I can start a family with Charlie and be completely, sincerely happy. I just hope that plan doesn't fall through too. Wow, this ended up being a lot more of a spillage than I was planning on, but it feels good to get it all down on... monitor. Hey, was that a joke? Is witty Laura coming back? Eh, not so soon. Ta! ~BOB 0 previous comments. (This doesn't work anymore; go sign my guestbook)
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