Everything That's Wrong With My Life
October 29, 2002 - 6:08 p.m.

In case you hadn't noticed, I switched the colors around on my diary a bit. The white was a little hard to read on my puter, and today I suddenly thought hey, maybe that means it's hard to read on other puters too. Sometimes logic just escapes my mind... Anyfuck, I also changed the font of my scrolling lyrics up there, and I got rid of my list of favorite diaries on the side. I hadn't updated it in ages, and frankly, I'm too lazy to. It's much easier to just leave it at the self publicity (my weblog diary).

I think my diary is long over due for a depressing entry. Please bare with me.. I think I'm PMSing, and this will all be over soon. But for now, I'm emotional. And when I'm emotional, that means I'm depressed.

Here's the thing that's bugging me: I don't wanna be here. I know this is normal for college freshmen and blah blah blah, but here I am.. I've been here for two and a half months, and I've only made one new friend. And that new friend is mean to me and probably just talks to me cuz he has a crush on my friend. My sister told me before I started college that since I live in a triple there will be one roommate that I get along with and one that's just kinda there. Well, as I feared, I'm the one who's just kinda here. I don't fit in here. I don't think I'd fit in at any school. In high school, I wanted to go to college already so I could be around more mature people, but these people are just like the people in high school. I feel like the main character in Orange County when he goes to the party at Stanford. Yes, I'm relating my life to a stupid MTV comedy, but it works. I feel like I could easily start teaching, get my own apartment by myself, and enjoy life right now, but society has made it so you need to go through these stupid general ed classes before you can start learning how to be a teacher for a credential. I hate it. I'm perfectly capable right now, but I'm stuck here with a generation of people I don't relate to. I'm not trying to say that I'm more mature than these people - Jenny and I enjoy some purdy perverse and vulgar humor - but I just don't share the same interests. I've never felt the need to go out and get drunk every night, and that seems to be what these people are all about. I guess you could say I'm trying to grow up too fast by wanting to get on with my life and start adulthood, but I still think I'm a kid at heart. I like to buy random toys. Jenny and I go and buy craft kits at toy stores every once in awhile. I almost cried when the Zany Brainy near my house closed. And need I remind you of my love for stickers? I just don't wanna be where I am right now. I read diaries of mothers talking about their families and their kids, and I want that. It sounds crazy cuz I'm only 18, but it's true. I mean, I don't think I'm ready for it, but I want it. I guess I'm just impatient.

I don't know what to do about this whole thing. I mean, all I can do is take the classes I have to take. I could try to go to summer school and get my credential in four years or less, but I really don't wanna bust my ass cuz I feel like this is so pointless. I could do what I wanna do right now, but society won't let me. I can't get that idea out of my head, and that's why I can't get my ass in gear to do any of my homework. I need to do some fucking research, but I'm not. I don't wanna give in to this stupidity, but eventually I have to in order to get where I wanna be.

It's so frustrating.

So I'll just sit here for the next four years being a social outcast until I finally get to be happy. Ugh.

And another thing that I realized today... I depend on Charlie for happiness way too much. He text messaged me when I woke up this morning and it was the perfect way to start off my day. Then as the hours since I'd last talked to him got more and more numerous I got less and less happy. Every time I come home I hope he'll be online, and when he's not I'm disappointed. It effects my mood way too much, and I don't know what to do about it. I know it's unhealthy, but what am I gonna do? Break up with him? No way in hell I'm doing that. I wish I wasn't so dependent and clingy. Anyone have any advice for the situation? I mean, it's not like I'm in desperate need of a way to cure this cuz I enjoy every aspect of our relationship (except the distance, of course), but I know this amount of dependence isn't healthy.

Ah, venting makes Laura feel better. Ta! ~BOB

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