Ugh
September 12, 2001 - 7:25 p.m.

I think it began when I was talking to my parents tonight about everything. I just cannot fathom how idiots in this country think the right thing to do is kill just as they have killed us. They're most likely ready to defend themselves if we do strike back, and if we hit the wrong people, that could be even worse. I just can't get the thought out of my head that this will all end in nuclear war because so many dumbasses in this country have a power complex, and won't give up until we all die.

I wouldn't mind dying a quick death, really. I just don't want to experience all the grief of being one of the last people standing. I also don't want to be trapped in some situation that I can't get out of without food.. and die of starvation or bleeding to death or something.

I know I'm being kinda morbid here, but I have a very vivid imagination, and it gets the best of me.

I just don't want to die yet.. I suppose that's normal. Nobody does. Nobody deserves to. I think one of the things that bothers me most is that I know that if I died today, I wouldn't feel fulfilled. There are so many people I have yet to meet who I wanted to meet, so many opportunities I haven't taken. And many of these things are way in the future for me and can't be helped right now... but what if there is no future?

I know I must seem kinda selfish here, only talking about myself. And it may be kinda insensitive, but although I feel terrible for all the families of people who died yesterday, there were many, many people who died when the US dropped the atomic bomb on Japan. It was most likely worse for them... not everyone died right away, but many died from radiation years after and many families were split up then too.. except the remaining people didn't have a place to live, everything was destroyed. And we justified all this by saying it was to bring peace to the world and end the war. My point is that much larger amounts of people have died for other reasons in the past, and to risk the destruction of everything just to seek revenge for this whole thing is just plain stupid.

There are so many stupid people in this country I can't stand it.

I think my parents are really worried about me right now cuz I'm biting their heads off when they try to talk to me. I just need to sort some shit out in my head right now. I miss Lucky. He would usually help me through times like this.. and now he's just not here... and I'm falling apart. Ta! ~BOB

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