Ah, Spillage
September 21, 2002 - 2:06 a.m.

Today Jenny, Jennifer, and I went to the jr. high and high school and visited old teachers. It was kinda weird. We talked to Mr. Knight for a long time at the jr. high, and he looks kinda different. He gained a little weight, got a little gray, and had some more wrinkles. His kids who were two when we had him as a teacher are now eight. That's just crazy. For some reason, that's the part that gets me the most. I dunno.. I'm just feeling really old lately. I guess this feeling will only get worse.

Joe came over tonight, but not for as long as he said he would. We mostly chatted online, watched some tv, and played cards. He's all nervous cuz he's going to college tomorrow. It seems like ages ago that I left for college. Anyfuck, good luck at college, Joe!

After Joe left I realized why my mom didn't want me to spend the night by myself. I got incredibly bored and lonely. I started thinking about my love life (or lack there of) and how non-existant it's been. I haven't had a real boyfriend that I could be with whenever I wanted in over two and a half years. I haven't kissed a guy in over a year. I don't even think about it, but subconsciously I'm longing for affection so much, and these kinda things only occur to me when I'm alone and I have too much time on my hands. I've realized lately that I just want a guy to like me. I find myself hoping people have crushes on me even when I don't have any feelings for them whatsoever. It's just gotten to the point where it's been so long since any guy who I've actually spoken to on an everyday basis has liked me that I'm becoming incredibly insecure. What is so wrong with me that makes it so guys like me online but not in person? Why can't I just find myself someone who wants to cuddle with me?

Tomorrow I hopefully am going to Newark Days.. I think. I dunno.. maybe we're going on Sunday. Jenny and I haven't really discussed it. Then Jenny's spending the night. I haven't had a friend spend the night in ages. It's gonna feel like jr. high or something. This is just a jr. high kinda weekend I guess.

Well, since I've spilled so much already in this entry and vented so heavily, I feel purdy accomplished. You don't realize how much not having alone time at a dorm effects you until you have freedom at home. Nighty night now. Ta! ~BOB

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