There has to be Something Better
December 7, 2002 - 3:14 a.m.

I realized a few days ago what my problem is. I feel completely comfortable with adults, and I feel totally at ease with children. It's people my own age that make me nervous. That's why I'm a social outcast, and that's why I can never be happy in school. In my ASL class, I always do work with the three adults in the class. [update: I just realized I might have already written this. Oh well, it reiterates my point.] When I tell Jenny I wanna go elsewhere for college, she tells me I won't be happy anywhere. I usually just pass it off as her being pessimistic, but she's probably right. I just don't fit in in general. Maybe there isn't a place for me.

I'm probably just being overly emotional. Maybe I'm PMSing. If that's the reasoning, this damn birth control is yet again not doing its job.

The thing that sucks most is that I was feeling the most optimistic today that I've felt in a long time. We remodeled our room, and I love it. It's so much more homey, and I felt like I bonded with the roommates a little bit. It's amazing how much acceptance of my peers matters to me. Sometimes peers I can't even stand can make me feel special just because they accept me. I don't understand why I care so much about what people I hardly care for think of me. I'm not saying I hardly care about my roommates, that just though just added to another one. Anyfuck, I also did a lot of my powerpoint for tech tools, and I was seeing the light at the end of the fall-semester tunnel. Then I didn't talk to Charlie till 3 and I felt like shit. And we argued and I felt like shit some more. And I seriously considered going in the bathroom and crying so no one would see me.

And I wonder when life will be good again.

I know I might not fit in anywhere, but there has to be something better than this for me in the next four years. I'd go mad if there wasn't.

I don't wanna ruin a perfectly depressing entry with over-complaining. Ta! ~BOB

P.S. I wrote an entry yesterday when the buddylists were fucked up, and my buddylist never showed that I wrote it. It still said it had been two days. I dunno if that happened to other people, but I did write an entry yesterday if you care to see it.

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