Why I'm a Social Idiot
November 25, 2003 - 4:01 p.m.

I was just thinking about my antisocial tendencies, and I was trying to figure out why they exist. There are many things I have realized about myself. One is that I care what other people think of me, and I care way too much. If I can't stand you, I still want you to like me. This is the main reason I'm antisocial: I'm afraid everyone is judging me the second I open up at all. Of course, my natural tendency is to shy away from everyone and keep to myself. Then I'm just worried that everyone thinks I'm a hermit. You'd think after having this happen twice I would actually make an effort to get to know people and show them that I'm a good person, but opening up to people forces more judgement in my opinion. I don't claim to know how the human mind works, but I think a majority of people judge each other without thinking about it. I know I do. You can say, "Don't judge a book by its cover" until you're blue in the face, but people will still do it. It's natural. A first impression may change, but the initial judgement is always there, and that's what I fear. I fear it because I want everyone to like me. Why do I want everyone to like me when I don't like something like 80% of the people I meet? I don't know. Maybe if I could get to the bottom of this I would be able to not care so much about what people think, and I could be more outgoing.

Another thing I don't understand is why I'm perfectly outgoing on a one-on-one basis but extremely quiet among groups of people. The only reasoning I can think of is that having one person judge you isn't as bad as numerous people, but I'm not sure that's it. You'd think I'd at least be somewhat nervous with an individual since I'd still think they were judging me. I just don't know. Maybe it's because I think it's more personal and I have more control of the situation as a result? Beats me.

I think a lot of my social fear stems to the fact that I have no interest in drinking or partying or doing drugs or anything of that sort. I feel like this creates a huge gap with people my age, and since it's such a big part of most college students' lives I feel like I can't relate to them. I have friends who do drink, and I get along fine with them, so I don't know why I'm still apprehensive about it. It's just something that sets me apart from everyone else in a bad way, and that bothers me. But I'd never change my ways for the sake of fitting in. I'd rather be alone.

The fact of the matter, though, is that I am lonely. I want more friends. I want a boyfriend. I'll never have a boyfriend if I don't open up to people. No one knows me, so no one can be interested in me. I've developed this big wall that keeps me safe from judgement, but also disables me from making friends and finding potential romantic interests. I don't know where my need for people to like me comes from, and I therefore don't know how to get rid of that wall and finally be completely happy.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy right now. I love where I am. I love my family and the friends I do have. I just wanna be able to voice my opinion without turning red and carry a conversation without thinking about what I said that was stupid afterwards. I always think I said something stupid afterwards. I think I'm my worst critic. I probably judge myself more than other people do, but that's not the way it looks in my mind.

And yeah, I just needed to get that out. Any progress in figuring out why I'm a social idiot is worth documenting and reflecting on in the future. That is all Ta! ~BOB

Music: The Postal Service ~ Recycled Air

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