Scared Shitless of School
July 24, 2003 - 11:57 p.m.

Yesterday I decided to sign into the CSUS website to check my schedule and write it down since I never did so when I registered at the end of June. Well, I came to find out that one of the classes I thought I had signed up for wasn't on my schedule for some reason. There was only one available class that would fit into my schedule, and as a result my Thursdays are gonna suck. It could be worse, and the first class of the day involves going to an elementary school and working with children, so I'm not too terribly upset. I have a feeling I'll be earning my weekends though:

I think during the entire summer I've been trying to live in the moment and not think about college. Since I will be going to a new school for the second time in the last year, I am rather scared. In fact, I'd be willing to say I'm terrified. If anything, going to CSUMB has ruined me, and I feel like I'll never fit in with people my own age. Sure, I learned more about myself, but sometimes knowing your own problems and insecurities is rather useless when you have no idea how to go about correcting them. I'm going to Sacramento with a clean slate, which is nice and also frightening. Any friends I have in the surrounding area drink and party often, so I'm determined to find some new friends of my own and not fall back on the friends I already have. If I just fall back on them, I'll find myself in situations I won't enjoy anyway. There are people like me who don't party. They're rare, but they're out there. I just have to be more outgoing so I can find them easier. Last year I was too timid to talk to anyone, and I'm not gonna find friends by keeping to myself. The problem is I have no idea how to build up my self confidence enough to be able to be outgoing with people I don't know in order to find the people I need to find. I care too much what other people think of me. I fear judgement in every conversation I have, and I play them over many times in my head to find any negativities that may have been reflected in my character through the words I spoke. I analyze myself and my relations with others too much. I guess this is what you'd call social anxiety, and my case of it seems to just get progressively worse throughout college because I don't find pleasure in surrounding myself with the same mindless indulgences my peers do.

I got my housing information today. I'm living in a double in Sutter hall. (ohmygoodness, I'm actually going to a school that names its residential halls as opposed to numbering them.) I don't find out who my roommate is until the day I move in. I don't like this. I was going to call my roommate as soon as I could and find out what music she liked and whether or not she had a teevee. Now I hafta buy my own teevee and risk having two of them in one cramped up room. Also, I still have no one to go to the Starting Line show in Sac the day before school starts with me. I was thinking that maybe since the housing application asked for musical taste, my roommate might have the same as me, and I could invite her to go with me. Now I have to wait till two days before the show to find out. Arg. It might be too late by then. At least I got the hall I wanted, right?

The more I think about my social anxiety and the immense fear I have going into transferring to a new school, the more I think maybe I should consider seeing a psychologist. Meh. We'll see what happens after my first few months of school. Of course, by then it could be too late.

On a totally different note, I wanna fall in love again. There's no better feeling in the world, really. None at all. I didn't hafta tell you that though.

That's all for now. Any ideas as to what I should change "days till Hawaii" to? I don't wanna count down to school, it will just further frustrate me. Ta! ~BOB

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