Returning Pessimism
July 1, 2001 - 9:38 p.m.

Yup, you read that right. My recent lack of entry has been a direct result of having been in Idaho. For loyal readers, you will understand the significance of Idaho. I had a blast. I miss it already. I don't think I really miss Idaho, I just miss Idaho experiences. Most of all, I miss Jeremy. Yeah, so this makes about the billionth transition in my diary from guy to guy, but I have returned to Jeremy. Somehow it seems I always return to Jeremy. And now that I have memories of what it is like to see him, to hear him, and to touch him.. I dunno if that's ever gonna change.

I was planning on writing a detailed happy entry once I returned from my vacation about all the exciting stuff I did and how much fun I had, but now that I'm home, all I feel is longing. I wonder if all the happiness I experienced in the last week is worth all the pain I have to look forward to. I lived each day one day at a time, letting time flow together. I kinda wanted the trip to end, just so time could keep flowing and I could see what it would lead to.. how I would handle telling people that I have a boyfriend in Idaho.. how our relationship would continue through letters, emails, IM's, and phone calls. But now I just want to be with him again. I regret letting time slip through my hands. I wonder if I'm gonna be able to handle this...

I also came home to the dissettling news that my cat, my favorite cat, the cat that I consider my best friend through thick and thin (since I've never been able to maintain best friends that weren't pets), my source of comfort, my welcoming committee every time I enter my home, might be dying. The vet doesn't know what caused his urinary problems last week, and now he's constipated again. He was cuddling with me tonight while I was unpacking. He's still able to cuddle.. that's a good sign... but Lucky only refrains from cuddling when he is feeling his worst, so it doesn't exactly mean he's in any good condition.

It's amazing how much your mood can change in 24 hours. Mine changed from complete happiness to a lump in my throat that's gonna take a lot of courage to get rid of. Tomorrow's my first day at Ash St. Although I was initially looking forward to returning to my job, I'm not in the high spirits I should be on the first day of camp. I've gotta lay out all my emotions tonight and organize them so I can be the best I can be in all situations. I have a feeling I won't be able to do that by the time I collapse in bed considering I only got one hour of sleep last night. This doesn't look good.

I miss Jeremy.

Ta! ~BOB

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