Moody Me
February 4, 2001 - 6:03:00 PM

So today was uneventful to every extent of the word. I am suffering from moodiness as a result of gaining an unwanted visiter (my Aunt Flo). This leads to me analyzing every negative part of my life and blowing it outta proportion.

First of all, once again I didn't understand my math hw. This is starting to worry me. This semester, I have been able to fully complete one of the four hw assignments we've received in that class. I need to either get help from Claudia or go in after school and get help from Mr. Paula. If that doesn't work and I receive yet another D on a math test, I might hafta result to switching out of honors and into regular Math Analysis. I wouldn't have the weighted gpa anymore, but at least I'd have a chance at getting something better than a C. Plus, if I get a D in honors, it still counts as a D, not a C. At the rate things are going, a D is likely. I'd like to drop the class before it results to that.

I was talking to four people, but conversation died in all coversations. I was the first to IM them. I always get the impression people don't really wanna talk to me. I think I might start doing the don't-IM-until-IMed thing. I get the impression a lot of people don't like me. My self esteem just started rising lately, and now I feel it slowly falling back to its original state.

Another thing I've been dwelling on lately is the whole college/SAT's thing. I'm a junior. I need to start getting my act together. I have hardly any idea what college I wanna go to. I have a couple in mind, but my parents aren't thrilled with the whole Arizona thing for financial purposes. I'm thinking of going to some kinda cal state university, but I don't really know much about any of them. I need to do some website searching. Those aren't usually very much help though.. they just jazz up the school and leave you searching forever to find how much it costs to go there, what kinda majors they offer, and whether or not they have dorms. I think I've almost decided I'm not gonna apply to any UC's cuz I don't feel like busting my butt when I know my future hasta do with children. Teaching, child care, something like that. I don't need a wonderful education for that. I wanna have fun while learning in college. I don't want my situation to be like my current situation in my math class. It's hard for me to break out of the over-achiever mold that I've been in my whole life, but I've come to realize I really don't care all that much about that kinda stuff cuz I don't need to. I think I'm stressing too much about the SAT's too. I just need to get them over with. With my gpa, most cal states would accept me regardless of what I get on the SAT's. I'm still gonna be upset if I get under 1000 though.

Then there's always the subject of Jason. Before now, I always liked guys in other states I met online. Now that I actually like a guy that I can see on a daily basis, I don't know how he feels. Even if he feels the same, it's gonna be close to impossible convincing him to try dating me, much less starting a relationship. I really wanna know how he feels since he avoided that question in the email, but I'm afraid asking him again would be pressuring him too much and would ruin any chances I might have. On the other hand, I feel desperate for closure. Even extreme rejection would help me rest easier. Then I could move on. I don't know who I'd move on to, considering this town is full of pricks, but at least I wouldn't be hanging on to a false strand of hope. I'm just afraid that I might scare him away if I'm too persistant. If he likes me now, and I'm too persistant, he might blow me off before I have the chance to persuade him into considering a relationship. I am in desperate need of advice. Anyone? Anyone? Erin, if you still read my diary, direct your Walter person over here!

I think I'm in need of more caffeine. I love party leftovers :o)

I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow. I will be a bitchy red waterfall. It will not be fun for me and those who encounter me. I think it was really wrong of whoever designed the ways of the world to decide to give people the most stressful amount of work while they're in the awkward teenage years, and they're trying to figure themselves out. What the hell were they thinking?!

I'm one of those really bitter single people now. When I see couples (i.e. my sister and Keith.. gag me), I feel the immediate need to either spew or make a sarcastic remark. Ok, so I've only resulted to the latter, but I do that quite often. It'll be a year at the end of this month since I've had a significant other.. a companion. I am starting to go insane. I miss all the little things that come with relationships. The things I took for granted when I was in one. Don't get me wrong, breaking up with my ex was a good move, but I never imagined I'd be single for so long. I'm also starting to wonder if the same thing would happen again now. If I'd get all tied up in the added bonuses that come with relationships that I wouldn't realize I don't really care about the person I'm with. I also wonder if my feelings would eventually die if I got with someone. I don't know why I'm worrying about this when I have no chance of getting a guy at this rate. I worry too much. I think too much.

I have Teenage Dirtbag stuck in my head yet again. That song is just a get-stuck-in-your-head kinda song. Specifically, the part that goes, "he doesn't give a damn about me," keeps floating around. When you take it out of context, it can relate very well to my situation. Well, not necessarily, but when you're thinking pessimistically cuz you're on the rag it can.

"Now I'm tired, and I am broke, and I feel stupid and I feel used, and I'm at the end of my little rope, and I am swinging back and forth about you." ~Ani DiFranco <---all applies except the "used" part.

Well, I'm gonna go eat some left over vegies and dip from the party for dinner. Sounds like fun, huh? :::sigh::: Ta! ~BOB

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