A Lonely Rant
August 5, 2003 - 1:35 a.m.

The point I'm getting at is basically that while there's nothing specifically wrong with my life, I don't seem to be happy. There are little things I enjoy, and sometimes little things can add up to fulfillment, but it just doesn't seem to be happening right now.

I know I've written about this too much already, but really all I want right now is to fall in love. It seems like a somewhat simple request, but matters of the heart are too complicated to come easily. This is especially so when you're as shy with people your own age you hardly know as I am. If you're not a costumer at Michael's or introduced to me by a good friend in some situation, I probably won't talk to you. I know I need to get over this, and I'm hoping plunging head first into a school with thousands upon thousands of people I don't know will force me to. Meanwhile, I daydream of a relationship that seems extremely unattainable at this point. There's no face on the guy I imagine; he's the embodiment of perfection, so he doesn't need one. He's someone I can spend hours cuddling or simply just laying next to and talking and laughing and listening to music that we're both passionate about. He's someone who lets me grab his hand and helps me up when I'm laying down and then encompasses me in the kinda hug that can melt a person whole. He probably doesn't exist.

I think what I strive for is simplicity, but I know very well that's an impossible goal in this world. I remember how it felt when I realized just how unfathomably complicated the world actually is. I don't remember how old I was, but I remember being dumbfounded by the fact that I could never have a full grasp on everything, and that no one else could for that matter. All I've ever wanted was the simplicity of a deep, reciprocated, honest, understanding, head-over-heels kinda relationship; to be able to spend hours doing nothing and feel perfectly happy (unlike I am when I do nothing now) because it's spent with the only person who could make you feel that way.

I guess feeling like this is what I get for being a hopeless romantic.

"Wherefore art thou Romeo? Where have all the brave men gone? Show me one man who knows his own heart. To him I shall belong." ~Jewel (before she turned into a whore)

Ta! ~BOB

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