I Want June. I Want Neal.
March 18, 2002 - 3:51 p.m.

For some reason, I just hated the world today. Every little thing that always gets on my nerves got on my nerves ten times more than usual. The freshmen that hang out in our hallway, a certain chick with an annoying voice who's in 3 of my classes, you name it. I told off Sonia when she was blocking my view of Mr. Lasit singing to Mrs. Lasit (it was her birthday). Then, Mrs. Lasit announced the solos for I'm a Woman, and surprise surprise.. they were most of Jenny, Jennifer, and my predictions. My favoritism letter was productive for like 2 weeks tops. People have returned to the computer. People have returned to the piano bench next to Mrs. Lasit. And the same people are getting the solos. Leannah messed up every time she tried out for the solo, and she still got it. It's fucking annoying. I'm fucking sick of it. I just want out of this fucking school. I want out, and I want out now. I can't stand another 3 fucking months. I just can't taket his anymore. Every day is just trying to get by enough to get to the next day. The only thing I have going for me is going online and the hope that college will be fun. Jenny talked to some guy who goes to CSUMB last night and he said the school was boring. That's just what I needed to bring my hopes down. When did I start hating life?

So during the entire day today, I was thinking it's ok if I hate school, when I get home I get to talk to Neal cuz he said he'd be on all night when I talked to him yesterday, right? Wrong. As if I didn't already hardly talk to him at all, he decides to hang out with The Bitch instead of talk to me. That could be expected. I'm horribly jealous. Horribly horribly. And I have no right to be. It doesn't matter that we'd be together if we lived 3000 miles closer cuz we don't, and I have no right to him, and that just makes me feel worse. It doesn't matter that I finally figured out how much I like him cuz I can't be with him anyway. And even if I could he'd probably hang out with her more... just cuz nothing ever goes my way when it comes to guys. Never. This oughta teach me not to get all caught up in guys I can't have. Except it won't. It never does. I never learn.

I should be reading Gulliver's Travels or be doing government hw, but I'm not motivated. I don't want to do it. I want to cry, but I won't let myself cry. I have a lump the size of rhode island in my throat, but I won't let it come out cuz I hate self pity, and I know I don't deserve it. I have a loving family and a bright future, and I'm so incredibly lucky, I don't deserve to pity myself. But I do. And that just makes me feel like a terrible person. That's exactly what I need on top of everything else I'm worrying myself over.

I just want this all to end. Why can't it be June? Someone.. just make it June. And while you're at it, make me live in Virginia.

Today in psychology we started learning about stress and frustration. Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think?

I guess I'm gonna go do some hw now :::sigh::: Ta! ~BOB

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