A Realization and a Change
July 3, 2003 - 9:21 p.m.

The main reason I wanted to write this entry, though, was because of a conversation I had with JerryStanwood the other night. He told me that he doesn't read my diary anymore and that he just skims it now every once in awhile to find out what's going on in my life. He said in the last few months my diary has lacked emotion, has become solely a day-by-day description of my life, and it doesn't give him the same rush it used to. At first I just took this criticism as one person's opinion. I do, afterall, believe that my writing has become more mature over the years. Then I realized that JerryStanwood is probably the person who's been reading my diary the longest. He met me through my diary, he learned about me through my diary, and at one point he decided to become friends with me because of the words I wrote. We've only met once, but I've always considered JerryStanwood someone who could see me very well; sometimes better than I could see myself. That's when I came to a great realization. In short, he was right.

In the last few months, I have turned into the kinda diary writer I always frowned upon: the diarylander who writes for everyone but herself. I have written entries about my life, but have neglected to add detail about my feelings and have merely attempted to appear to be witty so that readers would stick around. Since my break up with Charlie especially, I have edited my feelings out of here. I have stopped myself from writing numerous entries about not respecting him anymore and not liking the person he's become just because I thought he'd take it the wrong way, as a bitter ex-girlfriend's revenge as opposed to an honest opinion. I haven't written about guys I've had crushes on in any detail in the last few months because I thought he'd think I was pretending to move on when I wasn't, when really I was. (That sentence might take a few reads to understand.) I haven't written about how much talking to Matt has helped me feel like someone knows how I feel because I was afraid both Charlie and Rachel would think I had a crush on Matt when I didn't. But Charlie wasn't the only person I was hiding my emotions for. I also refrained from talking about boys I had crushes on because when someone reads my diary it appears as though I've had a billion crushes in the last three years. It makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel like when people read about another guy they might belittle what I feel for him. I was also reluctant to write about my huge falling out with Jennifer because I didn't want to give her the pleasure of knowing how hurt I was by it, how much she pissed me off, and how much respect I lost for her that I probably will never regain. I avoid drama at all costs, and I want everyone to like me, but this diary is my diary, and I have been failing to treat it that way. It's time for that to change.

Sooooo.. to catch you up, and to try to not get embarrassed in the process:

I have become extremely close with Neal again lately. We share conversations online and on the phone that I thoroughly enjoy. He makes me feel special and like I matter. He's one of those people who I know will be happy for me no matter who I'm with, even if it's not him. He didn't talk to me while I was with Charlie because he didn't know how, but he was there for me as soon as we broke up, and I respect him a lot for not hating me for being so distant during those six months. Neal and I both know we'd be great together, but he lives across the country, so that settles that. We're not ruling out the future at all, but we're just gonna see where life takes us.

I developed a crush on a livejournaler in the last couple weeks, but last night I realized he doesn't want a relationship at all with anyone. I don't need another long distance relationship anyway. They're way too emotionally draining. The reason I got my hopes up about him was because he was considering moving to Sacramento in the near future. I guess there's still a possibility, but I don't see anything more than friendship happening between us if he did.

I guess in summary you could just say that I'm ready to see guys again, but there aren't any guys near me to see (that I know of). Let's all hope I get hours with the hot guy I saw at Michaels the other day... I still don't understand why the hell I haven't worked with him yet. I think my manager must know that I'd be attracted to him or something. Ugh! I think I should probably just hold off till I get to Sacramento anyway.. cuz anything that starts here would end up long distance anyway. [/boy craziness]

People are shooting off ocassional fireworks tonight as if they have the date wrong. I love how even when it's nighttime during the summer there's still a hint of sunlight in the distance. Summer is the best. Tomorrow night's gonna be fun. My dad, my aunt, and I will be shooting off fireworks, as is tradition. I'm always at least with my dad, but everyone else changes by the year. (If you wanna join us this year, lemme know!) I don't think July 4th would be the same without that, which is why I'm glad fireworks are legal in lil ol' Newark. You can always hear the fireworks echoing through the city well into the night, and for some reason it gives me a strong feeling of unity. I'm not patriotic by any means, and I'm not exactly a proud American, but I love the fireworks (as odd as it may seem for a pyrophobe like myself). [/sappy shit]

I think I'm finally done. Here's to a new, open diary. Y'know, like the title says. Thanx Jerry. Ta! ~BOB

Back To ~ The Future