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Sometimes I Get Really Introspective... Tonight I've found myself very emotional and thoughtful. I'm not quite sure why. Yet another conversation with JerryStanwood led me to yet another realization. It took me awhile to piece everything together, but I purdy much figured out what it all boiled down to. I think I have too many friendships that I put too much into. I love all these different people I've never met for different reasons. I don't expect any of them to feel like anyone else will ever take their place, but I'm scared shitless that someone will take my place for them. I just wanna be special to people and feel that specialness. Realizing that makes me feel rather selfish, but I suppose it's natural to want to feel special. I think it all relates to my yearning for someone to fall in love with. Since I haven't found someone tangible for this purpose, I hold on to all these other friendships and hope that all the love I feel for these people can add up to what I'm lacking from being lonely. This doesn't mean these people aren't really as important to me as I make them out to be, it just means I'm exceptionally fragile when it comes to how they regard me. I don't exactly know what to do about this vulnerability. Maybe I'll figure that out during another bout of introspection. Tonight my mom and I watched While You Were Sleeping during some Sandra Bullock marathon on the superstation. I, being the sap that I am, cried at the end. I had seen the movie before too. Geez. Also incredibly cheesy is the fact that I found myself relating to the main character. When she stated that she imagined herself happily married with a family, it sounded like me. I've never imagined my future any differently. I've always placed love in such a high regard and have never lost faith in the idea that I'll find someone to spend my rest of my life with and will, in fact, spend the rest of my life with him. The alternative has never been possible in my eyes, but watching Sandra Bullock's character living alone with her cat scared me. Sure, she got married in the end, but it's a romantic comedy. It wouldn't end any other way. I know I have plenty of time to find the man of my dreams and what-not, but the idea that I'll end up as lonely as I am now scares me. A lot. I have way too much of a dependent personality, and knowing that doesn't seem to help at all. I don't know if I could change that aspect of my personality if I wanted to, I don't know how I would, and I don't know if I even want to. If it allows me to fall into a love that results in the relationship of a lifetime, why should I try to change it? When I'm having conversations online that mean a lot to me, or if I'm nervous about what's being said at all, I have a tendency to type something, and then minimize the IM or cover it with another window as if to pretend it never happened. Then when the person responds I watch the box blink at the bottom of my screen for awhile before I click it. Sometimes I try to occupy myself at the same time by reading something before I click to see the IM. Then I can pretend I don't care about what's being said as much as I do. I don't know why I do this when I'm obviously totally conscious of it, but I still always do. I also don't know why I just typed this paragraph. Alright, I'm done being introspective for now. Ta! ~BOB 1 previous comments. (This doesn't work anymore; go sign my guestbook)
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