Finally Honest
August 31, 2001 - 10:00 p.m.

I want to hate him so bad. The entire conversation left me angry, but I know I just can't let go. He treats me like shit, and I know he treats me like shit, and I can't stand it, but I keep holding on. I hold on because of the memories of everything that happened in Idaho. I've realized that if he really felt the way he said he did then, he wouldn't be treating me this way, and he wouldn't be able to let go so fast. This has led me to the conclusion that he's never loved me.. at least not the way I love him.

I know that if I returned to Idaho tomorrow, although I'd like to be stronger than to give in to someone who treats me so poorly, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. I don't have any explanation for this, especially since the memories are what hurt me the most. If it weren't for the memories, I could move on. I wouldn't have something to hold on to, something to think about and wonder how it faded so fast, how he could let go so easily.

The only explanation for my stupid longing is love. Love makes people stupid. Right now, I want someone to hold me so bad, but I would give all that up for as long as it would take to be with him again as long as I knew he felt the same way about me. That's love, and that's what he doesn't feel for me. I'm afraid it's not gonna go away and I'm not gonna be able to be with anyone else because of it. I want to let go so much.

I wrote him a letter last weekend explaining how I felt, hoping his response would bring closure. That's probably why I feel ok writing this right now. By the time he reads this, he'll already have read the letter. He'll most likely get it tomorrow. If it doesn't make things feel finished, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know how much longer I can stand the pain of always thinking about him and knowing he's not thinking of me, and crying about it late at night.

Kelby has been more than helpful. He listened to me vent tonight, and I know that was difficult for him because he still has feelings for me. Hearing about Jeremy has never excited him, and I probably added to his pain by revealing my own. I'm really sorry about that, but he was the only person around at the time, and I know he cares enough to listen. Thank you, Kelby, I owe you big time.

Alright, I think I'm done venting, although I could use a good scream right now. I don't think I will though. That would just be too weird.

"I should hate you, but I can't replace you in my heart." ~Saves the Day

Enough of me being emotional.. damn it's not even close to that time of the month, what is wrong with me? Ta! ~BOB

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