Stage Four: Depression
April 14, 2003 - 4:19 p.m.

I feel like the truth behind our relationship was just revealed to 1452 strangers at the same time that it was revealed to me. The entry makes it seem like he was with me to be happy instead of because he loved me, and when he wasn't happy anymore he bowed out. I know he loved me... and he at least somewhat still does.. but there're still so many questions in my head. You can say it was all his inability to be happy that ended the relationship; that it was his mistake and I had nothing to do with it. But it takes two people to ruin a relationship. I still feel like there's something he's not telling me. Something about me wasn't good enough. All my little annoying characteristics that make my friends end up hating me made him end up not wanting to be with me either. Until I have a definite concrete reason for this, I'm left to think that it was my own inadequacy that lead to my heart breaking, and as a result my self esteem will never be the same again.

I think I reached the fourth stage last night: depression. The bitter stage only lasted a day, and that's much shorter than I wanted it to last. I don't have the time to be depressed right now. I have too much schoolwork to do to be unmotivated. I guess there's no convenient time for a broken heart, but I feel like this one couldn't have come at a worse period. Since I'm moving through this steps so quickly, I wonder what the end brings. Does it just bring acceptance and understanding or will I be completely over him after I go through all the stages? I'm beginning to think it's the former because I'll be done with this process soon, and I'm far from being over him. Is it possible to understand why you had your heart broken, understand that you're not going to be with the person who broke your heart, be good friends with the person, and still be completely in love with them? I guess I'll find out.

I was doing so well without talking to him, but I've been feeling the need to IM him lately. I just wanna be friends like we used to be without the hostilities and the walking on eggshells. I wanna kid around and laugh together, and yeah I can have the biggest crush known to mankind on him, but that's how it started anyway, right? But I set limits for myself, and I'm gonna stick to them. I'll IM him when I told myself I'd IM him because I'm strong enough.

I have shitloads of work to do and no motivation to do it. I guess it's a good thing I have three and a half hours before I hafta reluctantly go bowling with my ASL class. Ugh. Depression can kiss my ass. Ta! ~BOB

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