Another Depressing One...
December 18, 2002 - 11:39 p.m.

I finished my research paper, but I'm not nearly as happy as I thought I'd be. I think it's mainly just the knowledge that when I get home I'm probably not gonna be all that much happier than I am here. Newark has changed, and my friends have changed, and that'll make me all depressed again. I'll hafta hurriedly shop for Christmas presents. I'll hafta decide which schools to apply to. I'll hafta act happy at Christmas and try to explain to my family why I don't like it in Monterey and why I wanna go to a different school and why I can't decide what school to go to. I really just don't feel like it. Why do they hafta know anyway?

My sister was robbed at gunpoint today, and that was just the icing on the cake for some reason. I mean, she's fine, but that kinda thing just irks me. It makes me wanna move to Canada even more. I know Canada also wouldn't be what I've built it up to be. But what kinda country do we live in when an innocent woman who is trying to load her boyfriend's Christmas present into her car has to face a near-death experience? It makes me sick.

More than anything I wanted to talk to Charlie when I found out, but I've played the selfish girlfriend too many times in the last few weeks. It's not his fault I've put myself in the situation where he's all I have. I feel terrible when I make him feel guilty for not being there when he shouldn't hafta be. So I forced myself to not call him. Having such a dependence on someone isn't healthy anyway. I need something else to keep me happy or at least keep me occupied.

I don't wanna drive home in the storm tomorrow, but I don't wanna stay here another night. At least at home I'll have privacy. That's something I've missed. And in 12 days I'll see the love of my life again...

I've decided when I transfer schools I'm gonna try harder to make friends. I'm gonna try to stop Ultra Shy Laura from emerging. I might hafta search for people who don't drink, but I'm gonna make that effort. Now that I've gotten used to dorm life and adapting to roommates, maybe I can focus on the friend aspect the next time around. I just want a second chance.

Have you ever noticed how important warmth is when you're depressed? I was about to wash my face, and for awhile I just paused and let the warm water poor over my hands. Then I remembered that water has tons of harmful chemicals in it and is probably what's causing the rash on my hands, so I stopped.

Get me out of here.

Ta! ~BOB

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