End the Pain
April 6, 2003 - 12:18 p.m.

I want him to be happy. I wanna get better so that he can get better. I wanna know how he's feeling, but he won't tell me. All I have is song lyrics I can relate to, not him.

I still sleep with the stuffed animal he gave me and the Petes I bought that remind me so much of him. I haven't removed the picture of him from next to my bed. I haven't taken the pictures of him off my screen saver, no matter how much they make me cry every time I see them. I can't get rid of this stuff.. that would be like giving in to the idea of not getting back together. I still wanna get back together. I won't let go of that hope. I can't.

He told my I was perfect. I wanna know when I stopped being perfect, and if I didn't why we aren't still together. I wanna know when I stopped being good enough and what stopped me from being good enough. I wanna change wherever I went wrong and pick it all up again.

I think I was just trying to get better last night cuz I wanted everything to go back to normal. I thought if everythig went back to normal and we still weren't together, he'd realize how empty life is without me and get back together with me. I know I can't just let go that easily though. And I'm not even sure that would work. I don't know how to make him realize that I'm worth it. I don't know how to make him realize this is the biggest mistake of his life. I can still be all I once was to him. He just needs to give me the chance.

Everything reminds me of him. This is just an endless pattern of unhappiness. I feel like I'm living every day as a struggle to get by to the next one, and I wonder why I'm even trying anymore.

I just want him to love me like he used to love me. He used to say nothing could stop that love from happening, so it shouldn't be so hard to regain it, right?

When I'm crying in bed I just imagine him crawling into bed and holding me. I like to imagine this was all just some stupid april fools joke.

I just want him back.

Please just let all this pain end.

Ta! ~Laura

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