A Not-Exactly-Awaited Cry
February 15, 2002 - 9:36 p.m.

I got in a big fat argument with Jenny today. I'd rather not go into detail about it. Basically, she did something I found morally wrong, and I called her on it in a fit of anger. I was more mean than I should have been, and I've apologized for that now, but nothing's good enough for her. She just has to prove me wrong in whatever chance she gets and call me a hypocrite whenever she can. She makes herself feel better by making me feel worse. I admit my faults, I apologize, and it's not good enough for her. She turned the whole thing around and said I can't call her a wimp because I had Selena pass around the letter I wrote for me. That bugs me so much. She has no right to judge that. She would NEVER EVER have the balls to write what I wrote and turn it into a teacher face-to-face, having her name be the first signature on that piece of paper. NEVER. She has no idea what my situation feels like. Yeah, I've changed my story. I don't care what other people think of me, but I do care if they confront me. I don't know if I can hold my own against my enemy, and honestly I don't wanna find out. Sometimes I think everything's gonna be ok and nobody really cares who wrote the letter, and other times I'm afraid I'll come out of my house and find my car vandalized. I have an imagination that runs away with me, and sometimes I get scared. If you wrote a letter that disturbed an entire program and caused two classes to have hour and a half long conversations about it, then you could understand how I feel. Then you could understand why I feel like this has been the longest week of my life when I've only attended 3 days of school during it. Then you could understand the pressure I feel. But you're not me. You don't know what this is like for me. You have no right to judge my change of heart.

The truth of the matter is that it's human nature to change your mind. It's human nature to contradict what you say every once in awhile. It's human nature to rationalize everything you've said while arguing to fit your argument. Everyone is immature during arguments. If you were mature, you wouldn't be fighting in the first place. And most of all, everyone is mean during arguments. However, people also need to know when to draw the line. I did, and I apologized. Now it's her turn.

I'd like to devote a paragraph to my friend Jordan now. He's helped me through this week like no one else has. He's supported me when other people have doubted me. He's never made me feel stupid. He's never made me feel like a bad person. And most of all, he's told me he's proud of me, and I appreciate that more than anyone could imagine. I don't get that enough. Thank you Jordan.

I'm so glad this week is over. I just wish I could enjoy my weekend, rather than spending it reading 150 pages.

I wish I could stop crying.

I'm gonna go try to run into the bathroom and get a kleenex without my parents noticing I'm crying. I really don't wanna explain everything to them. Ta! ~BOB

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