Perfection
January 13, 2001 - 11:54:48 PM

I was kinda in an ok mood tonight after I watched a really good movie (Three to Tango.. highly recommended!!!), but Jerry brought me down. I don't blame him though, he has his own problems without having my blame placed on him in addition.

I'm in one of those moods tonight where I really want to love and be loved. That happens like once a month. It's weird.. it's like lonely, but strangely optimistic cuz I like to believe that it will happen some day.

I feel myself analyzing everything lately. EVERYTHING. It makes me realize how much I generally hate every element of the world. It's weird.. there are so many things I generally hate (like everything), but then individually, there are things I like. Does that make sense? Like generally, I hate cheerleaders. But I like Michele. Generally, I hate people. But I could name a lot of people I do like. There are probably so few that I could list them though, which isn't necessarily a good thing. If there are so few people you like that you can list them, it's not good, right? Cuz there are so many people you encounter every day, it should be impossible. But it isn't.

I was at school one day and I realized I could probably make a list of very few people I actually respect at my school. I mean, there are people I like, but I don't necessarily respect them. And there are also people I don't like, but I respect them for who they are. Weird shit when you think about it. But at the same time, it makes sense.

That's something else I've realized. It's normal for things to not make sense. The world is full of hypocrisy and contradictions. There are bad qualities in everyone and good qualities in everyone. Everyone deserves a little recognition.

I feel like I'm going crazy by thinking all this random crap, but maybe I'm just doing what most confused teenagers do. Like.. enlightening myself or whatever. I hope it finds me happiness eventually, cuz I've known ever since I was little that all I want in life is happiness, and that still remains. My goal is the same, but the path there has become slightly distorted. More than slightly actually.. I dunno if I'll ever figure it out.

I keep coming up with these realizations and thinking they're gonna change my life now that I've realized them. They're gonna become some kinda inspiration. That never happens though. Maybe some day the realization of a lifetime will come to me, but it hasn't yet. Who knows?

My cold has gotten better. I just wish that had happened a day earlier so I coulda gone to SF with my friends. Wishing doesn't get you very far though, I've realized. I like to tell myself graveyard wishes and eyelash wishes come true, cuz sometimes they do, but most of the time it's the contrary. Oh well.

I think I've built up an immunity to sudafed and nyquil. They don't work. At all. So I just hafta suffer through colds. I suffer through most of life too, so what's the difference?

I have figured out that there are times when I crave sympathy, but when I receive it I feel guilty and like I don't deserve it. I guess that's natural. It's a good thing to pity someone, but it's not a good thing to desire pity. Why is that? What's the use of giving and receiving pity when you end up feeling bad about it in the end? Another topic that leaves me thinking the world is made to not make sense.

I also think that everyone knows all the little truths in life, but their subconscious leaves them searching for more. For instance, I know there's no such thing as perfection, but I still strive for the perfect guy cuz somewhere inside there's something telling me that he really does exist, despite what everyone has told me my whole life. It's like we all want to prove the world wrong. Or maybe just I do. I think that's my problem. I'm too picky when it comes to guys. Of course, guys in this state don't seem to like me anyway. Probably the only reason I like the ones I meet online is cuz online you can hide your imperfections. Every time I like a guy, I tell myself he's perfect, or he's the closest I'll get to perfect. Why am I so focused on perfection when I know it doesn't exist? Damn me for being a perfectionist. Actually, I wrote a poem about perfection once. I've never published one of my poems on here. Maybe I will. It's one of the few poems I wrote that I actually like. Ok, here goes:

"Perfection"

To gaze into my eyes so close he can see the rings that perfect my imperfection.

To love me for that imperfection and all that may accompany my existance.

To gaze into his eyes and forget all that encompasses life.

To not care about his past, adore him for his present, and see myself in his future.

Is there such thing as perfection?

Yeah, that's all. All my ok poems are short. You guys gotta tell me what you think, though.

Tomorrow I have the house to myself. I will use the silence to write my essay. My head is purdy clear now, so I think I should be able to bs a purdy good one. Hopefully. Cross your fingers for me. Then if I finish it I'll have a free day on Monday to do whatever I damn well please. Which, of course, will end up being nothing. I love wasting time though. To me, the time I waste isn't really wasted cuz it's enjoyed.

Today I played Mall Madness with my dad for the first time in years. He offered to play when I pulled the game out. He always liked that game even though he hates shopping in real life. I find that funny. Anyfuck, I kicked his ass, but that's ok. It was fun. A trip back to my childhood.

Well, this entry is long and detailed enough. I'm gonna go now. Ta! ~BOB

Back To ~ The Future