Because
December 21, 2000 - 7:14:38 PM

Lonely. I could be surrounded by family members, but instead I chose to be lonely.

I think there's something wrong with me. I've been like feverish today. I get cold, so I put my jacket on. Then I get hot, so I take it off. It's weird. I turned on the heater and now I'm all hot. Don't have an AC to turn on...

Today was ok until now. My mom and I went to see The Grinch. I got in for child price which is ages 3-11. That's starting to get rather degrading. I haven't gotten into a theatre at child's price in, well, 5 years. Our movie was playing in theatre 16. I led my mom to theatre 11. I think it was cuz I'm 16 and I got in for an 11 year old's price. Ugh. I DON'T LOOK THAT YOUNG!

The movie was really good. I was cracking up. There was this guy sitting near us who had the funniest laugh. He made the movie twice as good.

Afterwards we went to TGI Fridays for dinner. I got my usual. Yummy yum. I brought some home. Now I have breakfast AND lunch for tomorrow. Yay. We went to Krispy Kreme's and got some glazed doughnuts (the best there are).

Ugh, I hate it when people leave without saying bye.

Usually happy music can make me happy, but it's not.

My mom decided to go to my aunt's house to visit my grandma. She feels like she's not gonna see her enough while she's visiting from southern CA. I think she's afraid my aunt is gonna be chosen favorite daughter. Well, anyway, I didn't wanna go cuz I wanted to catch up with stuff online, but now I'm having second thoughts. It just happened so fast, she was out the door. I didn't have much time to think. Oh well. I probably wouldn't be happy there anyway. My aunt and my grandma talk too much.. and they expect me to be perfect when I'm not. So instead of going, I'm moved down on the favorite grandchild's list. I dunno.. I'd rather be hated for what I am than loved for what I am not. My sister kisses so much ass.. she's at the top of the list. But I'm just not that kinda person. I'll stay at the bottom with my cousin Antonio. We've always gotten along well :o)

I've been keeping myself busy during break, but for some reason I really don't feel I'm enjoying myself. I feel like my whole life is just passing time until something good happens, but nothing good ever happens. When I was little, I would live for something exciting and fun to make me happy.. like Full House on Tuesday night or something. Now I live for something exciting and fun to make me happy, but I don't know what it is or when it will come, and it's starting to drive me crazy.

"I don't know when I got bitter. Love is surely better when it's gone." ~Tonic

I have a tendency to obsess over guys. I think I do it to keep myself busy. I always daydream about a certain guy for awhile, then another one takes over eventually. I don't remember what it was like to live without a crush. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I'd much rather have someone to hug though.. and just be with.. and love. Someone I don't get sick of and wouldn't be replaced by someone else in time. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely.

Stacha loves me :o) Hehe.. I think Adam Sandler just scared her.

Monotony. My life is filled with monotony. I need change. Nothing ever changes in my life. I've lived in the same country, state, county, city, house my entire life. I'm so sick of it. Sometimes I feel like I just wanna get in my car and drive and drive and drive and drive...

I really like the Beatles song they have a remake of at the end of American Beauty called Because. I've dled the original and the remake. Now, I realize they were probably totally stoned when they wrote this song (hence "because the world is round, it turns me on" wtf does that mean?), but it's still good. I think I was a hippie in a past life.

Fenix Tx is making the house shake. Ok, that's one of the good things about being home alone. Lovely loud music :o)

I just took a phone survey about radio stations. It made me feel a lil better about my phone phobia. I wonder if the lady could tell my voice was shakey.

Why do I feel like I'm gonna cry? It's so weird. I think worse than crying for a reason is crying and not knowing why. I'm so confused.

"Because the sky is blue it makes me cry... because the sky is blue." ~John Lennon/Paul McCartney

I feel like I have so much to say, but I'll never be able to get it all out. I don't even know what I wanna get out. This is so weird.

I wanna do something to surprise myself like Lester in American Beauty. I have the entire house to myself and I can't bring myself to do anything but sit in front of this computer and listen to mp3's and talk to people, a majority of whom I will never meet.

"As for the part about having something more let's not pretend that it's like it was before, and I wish I could say that it's not because of you, but it's because of you... and are you sorry?" ~Letters to Cleo

My favorite Beatles song is I am the Walrus. It makes no sense at all.. that's the beauty of it. Some major stoned writing. I looked at the lyrics today on my mom's old record. It's goo goo goo joob.. not koo koo kachoo! I feel so stupid!

I could write some good poetry now if I wanted to. For some reason I don't feel any motivation. If I write too much poetry my poetry book will fill up.. don't want that. It's already half-way full. I dunno what I'm saying.

I'm gonna stop now.

"Because the wind is high it blows my mind... because the wind is high." ~John Lennon/Paul McCartney

Ta! ~BOB

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