Life is Weird
December 17, 2000 - 12:32:42 PM

Life is weird. You see things in the paper and on TV and you think, that'll never happen to me. That's something that happens to someone else. Then you see things getting bad, and you realize it's a little more real than you thought it was, but you still think it will never get to that point. Then it happens and you're surprised and not surprised at the same time, and you know you hafta do something dramatic, but you're afraid of the outcome. You feel like you're in a dream. That was last night. A heart racing, palm sweating experience. That was last night.

I hope Monica doesn't hate me. I love you Monica, don't hate me.

Suddenly I feel like I'm in the minority. That rarely happens to a white girl like myself, but it's for a reason I never dreamed of. I don't cut myself. It's so weird.. just a year ago cutting was foreign to me. Now it's like the more people I meet, the more people who cut themselves I know. I've started running out of ways to stop them from doing so too. I feel so helpless cuz all I can offer is sympathy, not empathy. The truth of the matter is I'll never understand how they feel. No matter how many websites on cutters I read, I'll never know because I've never done it myself and I never will. The thought disgusts me, no matter how normal it is. I guess I just don't have that high of a tolerance for pain. One day without motrin or midol during my period and I'm a goner. It's weird, though. Sometimes I feel like my problems aren't real because I don't resolve to hurting myself. Even though I know that's not true, it makes me think. I really am blessed to have such good parents and such a good home life. As much as I hate life sometimes, ok most of the time, sometimes I can at least sit and think I'm lucky.

Jerry hasn't been online in a long time. I hope he's ok.

Well, it's quarter to 1, and I haven't eaten or showered, so I think I should get going. I feel like a sweaty whore.

Last night I found solace in Ani DiFranco's cd Out of Range. I've had it for a few months, but never really listened to it. Surprise, surprise. It's amazing.

"We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again and turn every scar into a joke. We are made to fight and fuck and talk and fight again and sit around and laugh until we choke." ~Ani DiFranco

"Life is a b-movie. It's stupid and it's strange. It's a directionless story and the dialogue is lame. But in the he said she said sometimes there's some poetry if you turn your back long enough and let it happen naturally. Oh yeah, oh hell yeah." ~Ani DiFranco

Me done. Ta! ~BOB

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