Glum
November 25, 2000 - 8:45:24 PM

Last night I tried to help Kelby, but I couldn't. My mom made a decision for me, to let go. I don't wanna let go, but I know it's probably the best thing to do before things get too intense.. they're intense already. I hate doing this to him. I don't wanna hurt him. I don't want things to change at all, but it's just best in the long run. Maybe someday we'll be given the opportunity for things to change...

I feel very lonely. I've realized I hate the monotony of my life. Everything revolves around hw, and it's gonna stay that way forever. First hw with high school, then college, and then I'll be a teacher and my hw will be correcting papers. It won't end till retirement. Maybe I'll eventually get to the point where I won't mind it. I highly doubt it though.

That dramatic change I want to happen in my life, y'know I've discussed that before? It hasn't. I don't think it can just from wishing and hoping for it. I need to make it happen. Or at least give life a little nudge to encourage it. If I keep going through this daily routine of boringness, that'll never happen. It's kinda like in American Beauty where he realizes he still has the power to surprise himself. I need that. I know it's in me, but I don't have the balls to surprise myself. I don't even know what I would do if I wanted to surprise myself. It's weird.. I know I want some big dramatic change in my life, and I know it can't happen without surprising myself, but I have no idea what I want it to be. I have a feeling it hasta do with my love life.. or lack there of. I feel so lonely. I don't know how I can surprise myself in that area. Tell Jason I like him? That could just make things worse if he doesn't feel the same way. I'm so confused. I feel like total shit because I don't know what I want out of life besides change.

On a lighter note, my parents bought a new truck yesterday. It's white.. making the third white car in our immediate family. Purdy funny. Aaaaaanyway, we decided to go for a ride in it, so we went to Milpitas for dinner tonight. I'm stuffed. Yum. I love Macaroni Grill. We went to Borders afterwards and I got some ideas as to what to get a couple of people for Christmas, plus I saw a couple cd's I want, and my mom's proding for Christmas ideas all the time, so if I tell her, I'm purdy much guarenteed them.

I did some hw today, but I still haven't read any of Huckleberry Finn, and we're supposed to finish the book by Monday. I think that's like 40 pages. I'll do half tonight, half tomorrow night. At least, that's my plan. I think I worry too much about hw. I have a 4.16.. I could slack off and still get into the colleges I'm interested in. That's just not me, though. For some reason I feel the need to do my best. What's up with that? I don't like my conscience.. it makes me achieve more than I need to.

On top of all this, I've come to realize who the one guy who stands out amongst every guy I've ever had feelings for as the only true love I've ever felt. The only guy I could see a future with. Yeah, I'd rather not state who it is, but my chances with him are purdy much hopeless, and that brings me down even more.

So that's my take on life right now, in all its pessimism. This may just be one of my glumest entries yet. Sorry if I brought anyone down. Ta! ~BOB

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