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The Spider from HELL
May 28, 2001 - 1:42 p.m.
This morning I woke up in the most startling way (except maybe when awoken by an earthquake, but I find I'm more stupified than startled by those. I don't even realize it's an earthquake until after it's over.) Yup, I was not-so-pleasantly awoken by a spider crawling on my face! I immediately sat up, and got that lil booger off me, and then, of course, I looked around to see if there were any other spiders crawling around. When you wake from dream state, you have the idea that there's an entire colony of spiders in your bed, apparently. With one eye on my newfound enemy, I reached for my glasses, so I could actually see what kind of spider I was dealing with. I sat there, staring at the spider, woundering what the fuck I was gonna do. My kleenex box beside my bed was conveniently out of kleenex, and even if there was some, I wouldn't have the heart to kill the spider. I don't have a fear of spiders, I just hate the feeling of flesh being squished beneath my fingers. I watched as the spider made its way on to my pillow, and I was like yay, I can just pick up the pillow and let the spider free outside. For some reason, I didn't move as quickly as I had planned, and the lil fucker was going like 53904593509 miles per hour, so it made its way on to my OTHER pillow, and off within two seconds. I believe that was when I muttered, "SHIT" under my breath. I kept my eye on the spider, trying to think of what to do, when suddenly I realized he wasn't there anymore. Somehow he had escaped from the fold I thought he was in. I really had to piss, so I went to the bathroom, and returned armed with (dun dun dun) a kleenex. I was trying to think of other places I could sleep, cuz there was no way I was sleeping in a spider-infested bed when I knew the spider wouldn't hesitate to crawl all over me. That was about the time I realized it was freezing-ass cold in my room (I hadn't even thought about it I was so wound up about the spider), and couldn't help but think about how much I wanted to crawl under the warm, cozy sheets of my bed. I sat on my bed, wondering what the hell I was gonna do and thinking what any mature 17 year-old would think: "I just wanna go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" (note that sleep is a 10 syllable word there), when I thought of the idea that I could pick up all the stuffed animals on the side of my bed since that was near where I had last seen him. I picked each one up, slowly, holding them as if they were deadly. After three stuffed animals I quickly got sick of that, and decided I'd hafta do something else. So I went to the kitchen and got a garbage bag. I created a barrier between me and the stuffed animals with the garbage bag, my rainbow pillow, and my big ol' pillow with the arms. It took me about an hour, since I was wide awake by then, but eventually I returned to the state of peaceful sleeping. That rumor that you swallow eight spiders while you're sleeping a year, or whatever, is definitely not true because now I know from personal experience that you KNOW when there is a spider crawling on your face... and I'm a purdy heavy sleeper, too.On second thought, maybe I AM afraid of spiders. That is all. Ta! ~BOB
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