Sick of Life
January 6, 2001 - 5:17:23 PM

I am currently annoyed with Jenny and Monica. Every time we go anywhere, I make all of the decisions. I do the driving. I do everything. Tonight we were supposed to go bowling, but while I was trying to organize it, no one would offer any opinions besides "I don't know" or "I don't care." So I said fuck it.. I'm sick of making everyone's decisions for them. If we're going anywhere tonight, Jenny and Monica will be the ones planning it. That probably means we're not going anywhere. If they do, they probably won't invite me either cuz I've been dubbed the bitch for trying to teach them that they can't depend on everyone else to do stuff for them.

I just hate life so much right now. I can't find anything that makes me happy. Being with friends makes me happy, but that won't happen unless I make it happen. Music makes me happy, but I can't base my life on music. I'm sick of being dependent on crushes and aol. I'm just sick of who I am, or who I've made myself be that is, I don't even know who I am right now.

Jeremy was on for the first time in 20 years. He told me to tell him what was wrong, so I spilled. I don't think he was expecting it to be as detailed or as miserable as it was. He tried to give me advice, which I will consider, but most of what he said I already knew. I know I hafta find something I enjoy doing, I just don't know how.

I also told Kelby off. He's just been buggin me a lot lately. He made me so depressed in the past and once I just thought why am I letting this guy in Ohio affect me like this? Now he's all happy cuz he has this gf kinda chick. He's always bragging about how happy he is when he knows I'm not. It's like, gee thanx, but I don't need to have how miserable my life is in comparison to yours rubbed in my face. I think subconsciously he's trying to make me feel guilty for hurting him. It's not like I decided to like Zach, I just did. Believe me, if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't have liked Kelby either.. or Jerry or Jeremy or Nick or Nelson for that matter. Well, I suppose that isn't entirely true. I like to tell myself that each failed relationship makes me stronger and acts as a learning experience, but now I'm not so sure. I also think Kelby is trying to make me jealous of this Kristin chick, which I'm not. Honestly, and I may eat my words here, I think the relationship can be summed up in one word: Rebound. I could be wrong though, don't bite my head of here. I don't live in Ohio, I haven't seen them together. But as a sequence of events, that's just how it appears.

I suppose since my parents are going out for their anniversary tonight, I will be stuck with fast food as a result of my friends' codepency. I know, I was calling myself codependent a couple days ago. I'm a hypocrit. I'm a bitch. Everybody can find a reason to dislike me. My apathy on the subject is becoming thicker and thicker cuz sometimes I just wish everyone would start hating me so I could figure out what's wrong with me.

My burner was installed today. We found out we have cd's that don't work with the burner. Of course, my luck would not let me use my Christmas present a mere two weeks after Christmas.. I hafta wait at least two years, right? Or until I'm miserable about yet another subject. One of the two.

Well it seems as though there *might* be some plans being made. Someone go check hell and make sure it didn't freeze over. I guess I should go then. Oh, a quote.

"Who am I? Somebody just tell me that much." ~Ani DiFranco

Ta! ~BOB

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