The Adventures of Psycho Fish
April 20, 2003 - 12:43 a.m.

The fish entered our room after winter break. She was a huge fish.. about four inches across.. and she was in a jar that was about twice her size. I don't know much about fish, but I know that's not healthy. She would look at me like, "Please, let me swim. I want to use my fins again! For the love of God, woman, get me out of here!" Roommate said she would get the fish, who was identified by her as Mrs. Fish (quite the creative one, my roommate is), a tank eventually. She proceeded to not clean the water, so Amy started doing that. I started feeding her on occasion when she was making blub-blub noises at the top of her.. jar. Eventually, Amy took so much pity on the poor thing, she asked the next door neighbor if she could put Mrs. Fish in her fish tank. The next door neighbor obliged, and within a week Mrs. Fish had eaten her fish.

Finally, about a month after Mrs. Fish was introduced to dorm life, Roommate bought her a tank, and also bought the next door neighbor a new fish to compensate for Mrs. Fish's large appetite. I soon learned that Mrs. Fish doesn't have a large appetite.. she has a somewhat normal appetite for a fish in that she wants to eat. Roommate informed Amy and me that we weren't to feed Mrs. Fish because she gets bladder infections and is only allowed to eat once every three days. Now I don't know much about large fish, so I don't know how to tell if one has a bladder infection, but I was not aware that you could tell if one has a bladder infection.

After Mrs. Fish returned to our room in her new tank adorned with purple pebbles and a lovely plastic plant, I soon came to the realization that this was no ordinary fish. No, this was a psychotic fish. She spent her time either staying completely still and floating to the bottom of the tank in hopes of making us think she was near death, or swimming around frantically and literally bashing her head into the glass. She had good days and she had bad days. I think she had multiple personalities.

Over time, I got used to her presence. Her crazy antics don't really phase me anymore except for one. Roommate has only changed her water once (that I've seen) since Mrs. Fish has been in her tank, and in the process has neglected to clean the tank itself. As a result, fish feces have collected in the rocks, on the walls, and most visibly on the plastic plant. The plant was once green, but now it's purdy much brown with a mere green underlining. The part that scares me is the fact that the fish is starved to the point where she regulary eats her own poop off of the plant. I see her do it at least once a day. Apparently fish poop doesn't account for bladder infections cuz Roommate hasn't noticed anything. But wow, I'm tempted to take that plant out of there. It is truly disgusting. I just don't wanna put my hand in that water.

Mrs. Fish has been staring at me the whole time I've been writing this. Maybe she's more intelligent than I thought. I better end this before she jumps out of the tank and mistakes me for fish shit. Ta! ~BOB

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